It's the sort of event I have a difficult time putting into words. How does it feel to wake up with the thought, "I'm spreading my husband's ashes today"? That is exactly the thought I had on the morning of October 17th, or more correctly, "I can't believe I'm spreading my husband's ashes today." Literally. No ceremony with friends and family gathered around a spot with a third party holding the container (who does such a thing for a living?), but me personally, complete with the irony of a slight breeze shifting to follow my every move. I found by the time I had finished my legs and shoes had the lightest of dustings from the ashes. Emptiness is the only word that comes to mind. An empty feeling within me that can't be filled by thoughts or words. No way to give voice to this experience. But the image of that spot will stay with me always, along with the stunning views of the desert there.
Logistically, the trip went like this: Sarah and Aaron and I all met at LAX on Wednesday, Oct. 15, where we rented a car, found a taco truck for some late night burritos and tacos, and made our way to Beverly Hills, where we spent the night with Carol and David. Woke up the following morning and made our way to Death Valley, just under five hours away, after stopping at the grocery store. We stayed at the hotel at Stovepipe Wells in the park. That afternoon we explored the sand dunes near our hotel and had an early night.
We awoke Friday morning to head to the mouth of Titus Canyon, located on the road to Scotty's Castle. There, a 20 mile dirt road leads out to the Nevada border. About 6 miles up this road there is a small spring, evident by cattails and tall grass, and a rock just off the road that has ancient petroglyphs. We hiked in the 6 miles, spent about a half an hour or so there to spread his ashes and just sit, and turned around to return the six miles.
For the rest of the afternoon, Sarah and I enjoyed the spring-fed pool at the Furnace Creek Inn while Aaron explored Zabriskie Point in the late afternoon light. We spent Saturday similarly: this time, we managed to get up to see the sunrise, and then explored a few sites such as Badwater Basin (the lowest geographical point in North America) and Dante's View overlooking the valley. After a picnic lunch, Sarah and I again enjoyed the pool and Aaron found yet another trail to explore. His photos of the weekend are stunning. I've posted some, too; which you can see here or by going to the link titled More Photos at the right. No comparisons, please!
There was a simplicity to the weekend, of the actual event that I found deeply comforting. I think I would have been a mess if we would have made a ceremony of it. The week prior was difficult enough as I anticipated it. The weekend was complete with an invigorating hike up to the top of Wildrose Peak on Sunday morning, an eight mile hike that gained about 2000 feet in elevation. I wasn't too sure my worn out, out of shape body could make it, so it felt doubly fulfilling to reach the top. To look out over the valley and remember Joshua there.
Here, I think, is where Joshua's adventure ends, and therefore, my postings to this blog. He has gone on to something else, somewhere else. Or, perhaps as was his belief, he is simply gone. I am working to go on as well. Honestly, I am having a pretty good go at it, getting myself put back together. As I look back over the last five months, I realize how much I needed to disengage for a while, to recover from the previous months.
As I move forward, I begin to see how much my life has been forever changed by this experience. Not only my life with Joshua, marked by a love so deep and a partnership so unique that he will always be a part of me, but also the witnessing of his life coming to an end. And my acceptance of the love and support of so many people. As strange as it may sound, I am a better person because of this. I cannot say thank you enough to all of you for the prayers, visits, love, food, warm thoughts, letters; for reading this blog and staying present with us through the very end. I wish for all of you the love, kindess and laughter that Joshua brought to this world.
4 comments:
A beautiful way to end Joshua's adventure, through a journey. Reading of this last experience of yours, with and for Josh helps me come to some kind of closure too, I can think of Josh's spirit there in a beautiful place....thank you, Laura. I have sent you a letter....love from N and F
Your sharing has touched my heart. Joshua moved so many in his sphere. Not many in a lifetime can count the number of places you two have traveled in your short life together. How great that you were able to complete his final wishes on yet another journey. I'm so happy Aaron and Sarah were with you.
Joshua would want you to go on with a new life, now, and find joy and fulfillment once again.
I do miss Josh. We both do, so very much. A light has gone out of our lives, though the little flame of our memory of him of course always burns brightly within our hearts.
I don't know why I went back here to read your last posting, Laura, but I did, and my eyes filled with tears at the moving and eloquent tribute you wrote, and of the love and courage you brought to that relationship, as you bring to all things. As I wrote more than three years ago here, we never cease to think of our friend and to miss him. Travel, however good, will never be the same because we cannot share it with him. But we are happy, very happy, about how you have gone on in such a life-affirming way; that too is a tribute to him and the life you had with him. I am glad this blog is still here, I will certainly return to it again and again.
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