I'm pretty late in getting this posted. I've been home from New York for two weeks but have somehow not found - or taken - the time to write. Last week was a little rough for me, but more on that later.

My ten days in New York was busy, just like the city. Saw a lot of old friends and had plenty of time to do what I love to do most there - walk. Just to wander the streets, especially in Brooklyn, where we lived. Our last apartment there was in Park Slope on a tree-lined street with classic brownstones, lots of great little stores and within a few blocks of Prospect Park (cousin to the better known Central Park). And yes, lots of memories of Joshua everywhere. Having dinner in our neighbor's garden, I could look up at our old bedroom window next door and remember our last two years there (I think my favorite years of all my time in New York). Walking past the dog run in Madison Park, where he and I would meet at the end of my work day at Credit Suisse. Central Park, where he ran and we had many a picnic. Union Square with the giant farmer's market and Barnes and Noble, where he worked for six years, at one end. Ali Baba Turkish restaurant, a favorite hole-in-the-wall place that is now rather upscale with a back garden.

I met with a small group of about eight friends in Central Park on that first Sunday I was in town. The weather was amazingly gorgeous and warm. Meeting in Shakespeare's Garden was perfect - a little grove at the top of a stairway, tucked away from the Sunday crowds. It was a very casual afternoon - Tracy brought some wonderful wine; Cha Cha and Liz brought buttery rich cookies from everyone's favorite Italian bakery, Veniero's; Erasmia, as always, concocted a delicious pasta salad; and to top it off, Jennifer brought one of Joshua's favorites, Peep's. Halloween-themed pumpkins that, like the traditional Easter bunny Peep's are nauseatingly sweet. We all toasted with a Peep in his memory.

I was surprised at going through a bit of culture shock when I arrived. The noise, in particular really got to me. Staying in Manhattan was pretty intense because of that noise and the high energy that hits you as soon as you step outside. It was so soothing to come up from the subway in Brooklyn, where life is much calmer and quieter. It took me a couple of days to adjust; a big difference from being there last year when I immediately felt at home and soaked up all of that high-octane energy. So, with all that said, it is very doubtful that I would actively look for work there. I think a lot of people have expected that I would plan a move back, but as I keep saying, unless someone literally calls me with a job offer - not a job to apply for, but an actual offer, with excellent pay, I have no plans to go back.

On that note, I have begun the dreaded job search. OK, I've sent a handful of emails to some old contacts, sent in one resume and created a list of calls/emails I should make. Hardly a committed hunt at this point, but baby steps are something. I know the routine of getting up for a job will be good for me. One thing I have learned is that I need structure and routine. Just like Jackson, who is strangely sensitive to my moods. Although instead of comforting me when I'm really upset, he tends to hide. So much for licking my tears!

He hid quite a bit last week, as we both found me in tears at least once a day. Oh, one time he did come over and sniff me before running off to burrow under the dresser in the bedroom. The cause for the tears - aside from the obvious? Anticipation, I suspect. Once again, dreading an upcoming event that will probably pass without incident. On Thursday of this week, I will be in Death Valley with Sarah and Aaron (my sister and her husband). Our goal for this pilgrammage will be to spread Joshua's ashes in a place he selected in the park a year ago.

It was a bit of a compromise, this desert spot. His first choice was to have me take him to some far off place, preferably along the ancient Silk Route - an area through Asia that he had always wanted to visit. I feared he'd wind up sitting permanently in the closet until I got the money and courage to take such a trip solo, so Death Valley became a good alternative. He'll rest next to a small petroglyph along a dirt trail. Interestingly, when we were there last year to visit this spot, we met a man who had scattered his partner's ashes in the park. I knew then we were making a good choice.

I hope everyone (and by that, I mainly mean family and close friends) will understand my need to do this so privately. I probably shouldn't be so concerned about it. I guess the caregiver part of me wants to be mindful of everyone else's needs. A few friends have asked about joining us, but I've felt strongly about just the three of us going. My sister has been a rock for me through all of this, and I trust once again she will be exactly the support I need for this. I know that Joshua would have wanted this done as a solitary - or near solitary gesture. It's very fitting for how he lived his life, a lone figure for much of it with his wide network of loved ones surrounding him from a distance.